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TheMouseForLess SURVIVOR CHALLENGE #5
Red Hot Disney Divas
Best read imagining the voice of Patrick Warburton (Cronk) as George.
George- "Hello everyone and welcome to the
Kilimanjaro Safari at Harambe in Walt Disney
World's Animal Kingdom. My name is George Smith
and I'll be your guide and driver today.
Just call me George- George of the Jungle
(presses button that plays George of the Jungle riff)
-AAAEEEAAAAEEAAAAEEAAAA (dissolves into a coughing fit).
Ahem, sorry. Everybody bring their cameras?
Good, take my picture now, because once we get started,
you'll be taking lots of animal pictures
and you wouldn't want to run out of film before
you got one to remember me by, now would you?
Bring them all back when you get them developed
and I'll autograph them for you. Ready?
(flashes toothy smile and flexes biceps) One , two, three-
CHEDDAR! OK!!"
George- "Now, before we get started, there
are a few rules I need to go over with you.
1)The ride is very bumpy and has sudden jolts.
Therefore, you must be in good health, free from back
or neck problems, and free from motion sickness.
If you think motion sickness might be a problem and
intend to ride anyway, sit by the window. I don't
carry barf bags and it is really gross to toss your
cookies on your neighbor.
2)Under no circumstance is anyone allowed to ask
'Are we there yet?'.
(wise aker in the back of the jeep)- ARE WE THERE YET?
Hey! Do you want me to turn this jeep around?...I didn't think
so. I'm keeping my eye on you, buddy.
3)NO POTTY BREAKS! You should have thought of
that before you boarded.
4)All small children should be accompanied by an adult.
Those who are not will be sent to Fantasyland to become
"It's a Small World" displays. In 15 years they will be eligible
to train as safari jeep drivers.
5)Expectant mothers should not ride-
they've already had their fun.
6)We cannot stop to pick up anything that is dropped
or falls out, so keep a good hold on glasses, cameras, hats,
bags, children, and significant others. This includes
annoying teenagers. Parents- NO PUSHING!
7)There is no height restriction for this ride.
Well, as long as we don't have to cut a hole in the roof
and you can see over the back of the seat there is no
height restriction on this ride.
8)All special needs guests are welcome. The greeters
at the front entrance will be happy to assist you.
If you have a wheelchair, you may still ride in the jeep,
though you may have a smoother trip if you roll along behind!
9)Please keep all body parts inside the vehicle.
Violation of this rule carries a steep fine. It could cost
you an arm and a leg.
10)Safari jeeps do not run on time, they run on wheels.
Hehe, that last one I just made up. Ready? Then let's go!!"
George-"The first area we'll see is the savanna.
...No sir, not Savannah, Ga. Savanna like in large
grassy plain. ...What? No,this isn't the bus to Georgia!
Now sit back and be quiet! As I was saying, this is
the savanna. This area was actually cleared by
the elephants! ...No sir, I don't think John Deere makes
elephants. Some of the "African" trees were made
by Disney imagineers as they don't grow well in the
Florida climate. The baobob...no, sir BAY O BOB,
not Bubba Bob...the baobob trees are actually made of
concrete. They have lazy Susans concealed inside,
loaded with willow leaves for the giraffes. I know those
girls must get bored and hot standing inside a concrete
tree all day, but that's what they get for being lazy."
George-"The termite mounds are also concrete.
The sausage trees are in fact Florida live oak trees
with the "sausages" glued on. ...No, sir, I don't
think they are Jimmy Dean's Pure Pork
Sausages...(heaves a heavy sigh). The acacia trees are
also Florida live oaks, trimmed to look like acacias.
The live oak is a pretty versatile tree!
Who knew they were such good actors? They should
get an Oscar, except they would probably end up with
just a piece of wood painted gold to look like an Oscar.
Probably live oak wood."
George-"...What's that, ma'am? You can't get photos of
anything but the animals' behinds? Don't get discouraged!
Once we had a guest that could only get photos of the animals'
nether regions. Spool after spool of film came out
the same way- rhino bums, elephant tush, antelope backsides,
zebra hineys...you get the picture. The poor man thought
he would have to trash them all, but suddenly he came
up with an idea. His idea made him famous. He now takes
pictures of bottoms every day and loves his job.
His name? Hugh Hefner."
George-(suddenly slows down jeep for an ostrich to cross the road)
"Hang on, folks! Now, see that big ostrich
just saunter on across the road? I'll bet he's
never been to New York City but he jaywalks like a pro!"
George-"You will notice that we have an abundance
of grazing herd animals here on our plain. Over
there is the Eland antelope and some Sable antelope.
On your left is the Scimitar Horned Oryx, the Greater Kudu
(no lesser Kudu's on OUR savanna) and the tiny
Thompson's Gazelle. Around this bend we should see...
D'oh! Mohrr Gazelles!!"
George-"Now look over to your right at that
little enclosure. See Pumbaa and all his warthog buddies?
...What's that, ma'am? They look familiar? Ma'am, is that
your husband sitting next to you? It is? What did he
look like first thing this morning? I thought so,
mystery solved. You might want to hold your noses as we pass
by and if you smell or hear any evidence of gastric disturbance
...IT WASN'T ME!!!!"
George-(radio sounds are heard)
"Just a minute folks, I'm being hailed by radio."
(George picks up mike)-"This is George, go ahead, over."
(Disembodied distant voice on transceiver)- "George, this
is the Savanna Patrol, evidence has been found of poachers
about. We think they are after the newborn elephant, Little Red.
Be on the lookout. Over."
(into mike)-"Yes, sir!! Over and out. Well folks, if you see
any poachers in your camera viewfinders, let me know.
We get paid extra if we find them. ...What, sir? Oh- NO!
I mean we DRIVERS get paid extra, not you people! Geez!"
George-"Up ahead on your right is the lion enclosure.
Simba is sunning himself on that rock while Nala hunts.
It's your typical 'males-dominate-while-females-do-all-
the-work' society."
George-"There on your left, you can see the elephants.
These guys are real party animals. They have been confined
to quarters this week for swimming in the Animal Kingdom
Lodge pool without their trunks. Did you know we used to have
a pair of Siamese elephants? No, I swear!! They were joined
at the trunk. All the other elephants could trumpet, but all
they could manage was "snaarfle". We had to retire them, though.
It was sad. They had a head cold. Some people think
that story is a tall tale, but it snot."
George-"Hold on tight as we go over this rickety bridge.
They were supposed to fix it last week, but I see they haven't.
Just below there is the pond where the Nile Crocodiles live.
They keep the pond clean by eating stuff that falls off this bridge.
They really sink their teeth into their work, too. Yep,
if this bridge collapses, we'll all drop down a few links
in the food chain. See that big one over on the bank?
His name is Dwayne. The last time someone fell off this
bridge that's where he went- right down the Dwayne!"
George-"WOW- Made it! You might have noticed a number
of birds hanging out near that pond. The ubiquitous Pink Flamingo,
Hornbills, and Maribou storks are a few. There are
also Egyptian Geese. These water fowl are actually not
geese but related to ducks. Like Donald, they are a bit
agressive and "fowl tempered". If you don't 'duck' around these
birds, they'll 'goose' you, so never turn your back on those guys!
HAHA- I kill myself!"
George-"Over there is an animal that looks like it's half
cow and half zebra. It's called an Okapi. They were just
discovered in the early 1900's. At first they were thought
to be related to the Zebra, but they are actually related
to the giraffe. They both have these long black tongues.
The Okapi's tongue is so long that he can bathe himself and
clean his eyelids with it. In fact, if the vet needs to give
him some medicine, he just pours it on his back and the Okapi
licks it right up! ...What's that, ma'am? No, you cannot take one
home for a pet."
George-(drives past a CM holding a gun on a truck and stops)
"Hey, what's going on? Did you catch the poachers?"
CM-"Nah...Robert Downey, Jr.
The poachers are taken care of, though."
G- "What happened?"
CM-"The story is that they decided to look for a golden idol-
something called the POG. Anyway, being from the Hontus tribe,
they thought they would be safe in the deep jungle.
But they weren't."
G-"No?"
CM-"No, cannibals captured them. First, they played
'poke-the-hontus' with their spears. Then they showed
them their secret for making shrunken heads. They hung
the finished product from the village flag pole.
The guys in the Savanna Patrol plane saw the pole when
they were flying around looking for the poachers."
G-"You mean..."
CM-"Yep- the poachers are now head and shoulders above the rest!"
G-"OH UGH!! On that note, it's time for the most dangerous
part of our journey- the end! Take your little critters by the paw
...er hand and watch your step. Thank you for taking the Kilimanjaro
Safari. Hope you had fun and have a Disney Day!
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